Alexandra Weiss

enby envy

when you google gender envy
because you want to know
if you’ll see yourself in the results
but all you get are pictures of
envy from fullmetal alchemist
and it’s not wrong, you think,
look at envy’s strong arms
that could be me if i worked out a bit more
and maybe i’d feel confident about my body then
instead of clinging to wanting to be lust
because i thought she was hot
when i was never skinny or pretty
or graceful enough to be like her
always tearing the armpits
of those tiny sleeves
that don’t let you raise your
arms past your shoulders
constricting as mastectomies
when mom had to bathe me
and i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror
because suddenly i wasn’t the curvy shape
i’d gotten used to being
and no matter how hard i tried to hold on
i’d never be able to go back
now i’m done trying
I’m training to do pull ups instead

ghosts

there was a long time where i couldn’t look at my chest
even before, when the only time i took off the bra was
wait

i must have worn one to the hospital
what happened to it after?
but before it was just to put on the antiseptic rinse
i didn’t want to see them, knowing they had to go

now people tell me i’m lucky
because i got “top surgery covered by insurance”
or call me “not very femme”
because i didn’t replace them

i’m so sick of that shit
you’d think people would get it
that this body isn’t always the one i feel right in
that sometimes i’m masc but not always that
there are ghosts sitting on my chest at night

and sometimes they hide but when you touch me
they come back to life, electric and
i can’t quite remember how they’re supposed to feel

but even if i cry now when i try on
the dvf wrap dresses that used to make me feel beautiful
i’m still me
and when you touch my chest
everyone else becomes ghosts instead

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My name is Alexandra and once I got stung by a scorpion. It crawled out of my PJ pants and stung me on the foot. I'd been wearing those PJs for hours. That's the kind of stuff I like to write about, so if that's what you're into, find me on twitter @cactus_ghoul.