Carson Sandell

T4T

After Wu Tsao

I want to give you your weekly
estrogen shot on the outside
of your thigh, right beside
a birthmark you try your best
to hide and lay feather-soft
lips on the injection site until
we drift asleep. gender is tiring
babe. I want you to feed me
spiro and estradiol like a cluster
of red grapes. then we can paint
each other’s beautiful eyebrows
because our mothers never taught
us to.

What is Love If Not Accompanied by Religious Trauma?

mama told me not to play with fire
but said nothing of ember bathing.

my bones are ash and that’s the way
I like them. I stepped out more alive

a homosexual so flaming lovers light
cigarettes and joints off carpet burned

knees. what destiny did she expect
from me. a cis-cold life, a straight

narrow nightmare? mama I’m a brim
stone blessing. fuck the pearly gates

my pussy is served on silver platters
every night and if satan was a woman

i’d give her a taste. a life miraculous
as water to wine. mama what did you

expect out of me, you’re the one
who put arson in my name after all.

An Unfinished List of My Favorite Things, But Love You More Than

1. gender envy of fairy lights strung around wood posts and their glowing astigmatic asterisks.

2. in the same vein, traffic lights reflected on rain slick streets. wet tar is the best mirror.

3. morning petrichor on sidewalks. downpour is a reward from blanket-wrapped reclusion.

4. brown recluse spiders because they are adorable. I’m probably the only person who thinks this.

5. the disproven fact we eat eight spiders a year during sleep. trust me, I’ve swallowed worse.

6. the proven fact birds have the right of way on Utah highways.

7. window-pressed bus rides, listening to Jill Scott through San Jose, grieving Valco as it passes.

8. a tempo-tight trumpet on One is the Magic # and Scott’s voice on Show Me from 2:51 to 3:11.

9. Amélie the Phillipa Soo musical because like me it’s overlooked.

10. when you look not in my eyes, but at tear-pockets as if love to you is a game of billiards.

11. when you said teach me how to love you correctly. my syllabus is thirty pages of just hold me.

12. when I said curl your fingers so you never lose the grip of me.

Carson Sandell (they/them she/her) is a trans and queer poet from San Jose, CA. They earned a B.A. in Creative Writing from University of California Riverside. Carson is a Poetry Reader at Split Lip Magazine and Poetry Editor at Poetry is Currency. They are an MFA Candidate in Poetry at San Diego State University.