Sadee Bee
Decay
My Heart is a Mechanism
If you pick up a fresh brain / it simply falls apart /
Crumbles like weak jello / under its own weight /
A that you are / were / so fragile / when held /
by another / only when preserved / petrified /
stripped of all that were you / can it be held /
A heart / pumps blood to the brain /
the body / keeps the flesh alive /
the brain running / it can be held /
in its true form / sometimes still beating /
It can be replaced / with another’s /
Reviving a once quiet brain / or body /
I think of these things / when I can’t sleep /
When my heart is beating too fast /
when I can’t silence my thoughts /
My heart is a mechanism / serves /
a / single / purpose / to remind me /
I am alive /
My brain / the whole of my being /
Somehow got / wired wrong /
like a faulty lamp / that sparks / when plugged in /
electrical currents / running through synapses /
all by / pre-determined / design /
I’ve tried to rewire it / many different ways /
nothing / has / truly / changed /
Why can I replace my heart, but not my brain? /
Yes / I know these are not the same /
another brain / is a different person /
Though / that’s exactly / who I wish to be /
Someone / who knows what it’s like /
to want to live / to be alive /
Dying Inside
The Question:
Have you had thoughts of dying in the last two weeks?
I suppose I have, yet not in the way you want me to say. I know that death exists,
my mortality is often on my mind, or if stumbling through this life has truly
been worth much. I wonder what one sees when they finally give that last exhale.
Is it a place among the stars, Heaven, Hell, Summerland, or simply
nothing?
I wonder if I would know I had been buried. If I could feel the coolness six feet
beneath the ground. Know that my body would soon be nothing but bones.
Certainly, I would opt for the stars as if I could. After all, returning to the very
thing that created my existence would be befitting, comforting.
Everything and everyone dies at some point. Nothing is eternally sustainable.
I am aware that the planet I live on is dying too. That soon it won’t matter if I
want to live or not. Maybe if I died earlier than anyone expected, it would
make no real difference, no true impact. After all, there are billions of people
also trying to make a way in this world.
You see, thoughts of death or dying have been rooted in my brain for longer
than I would like. Often only in passing, though sometimes, overwhelming.
As if the stars are constantly whispering in my ear, begging me to come home.
So, yes, I have had thoughts of dying in the last two weeks.
But my question to you is, how have you not?
Sadee Bee is ever-evolving as living with mental illness is never a straight line and hopes to be a voice and advocate for those like her. She uses art as an outlet as well, creating whatever comes to mind, and is heavily drawn to speculative and out-of-this-world elements. She is inspired by strange dreams, magic, and creepy vibes.
Twitter: @SadeeBee Instagram: @sadee__bee